But only because you don't see me every day (especially weekends). Or when I'm not on my antidepressants. Or when I can't stand it any more and have to take a nap.
The reality is that I live in pain. I have a headache almost every day. It's probably because of my scoliosis, but since my mother, who doesn't have scoliosis, also has a headache almost every day, I really don't know. I suppose I should figure out why, but I really don't think that will make a difference. I won't take another medication on a daily basis, unless I have a REALLY good reason to. After all, I'm on an antidepressant (medication #1) that raises my blood pressure (medication #2). I have acid reflux (medication #3) and a slight thyroid issue (medication #4). I refuse to take the medication for my high cholesterol (caused by medication #1 and heredity). Migraine meds don't work on me because the headaches seem to be muscular/tension.
So I live in pain. Regardless, I need the antidepressants. I discovered that about 4 months after Janine (now 11.5 yo) was born. I stopped breastfeeding and wham! I was a wreck. I sobbed on the phone when I called my OB. Postpartum? Oh yes, only held off by breastfeeding for a few months. Funny thing was, once I got to the correct dosage of the antidepressants, I realized I should have been on them for years.
So when I got pregnant with Sami, I stopped taking the antidepressants. Didn't go back on them until she stopped nursing. I swear that took FOREVER. She didn't want to take a bottle, regardless of what was in it. Pumped breast milk in a bottle wasn't good enough for her. Honestly, I thought of her as a ball and chain at that point, and oh did that make me feel worse. I wanted to do what was best for her, but I REALLY needed my medication. When she finally took a bottle, I stopped nursing cold turkey (OUCH). Then I went back on antidepressants.
When I got pregnant with Thomas, I again tried to stop the antidepressants. This time it didn't work. I told the OB in the practice (not my regular OB/GYN, and this one is now a "neighbor", but I won't name names) that I had started taking them again because I had to be a decent parent to the 2 kids that I already had. I didn't think plotting my own demise (passively of course, like stopping my car in an intersection) was all that healthy, and it certainly wasn't a good plan for my 2 girls. I haven't been off antidepressants since then.
Trust me when I say that if I weren't taking them, you wouldn't know me. I would be hiding. I fight that most days. I laugh and smile and honestly have a good time when I go out, it's the *getting* out part that I fight. I would rather stay home. I would rather have someone else pick up my kids and/or take them places. I force myself to be social. If you haven't seen me for awhile, well, I am either busy with my kids or I am hiding. So this is why I think Mark is awesome for sticking by me and loving me. I don't know that I could be in his shoes and accept/love someone like me.
I *am* a funny person. I had the funniest grandfather. He was awesome. At the age of 16 (I think) he basically lost his right hand in a cornpicker. The doctor did what he could, but my grandfather had a very mis-shaped hand - almost hoof like. He endured stares and discrimination, and countered it all with humor. Ask my sister or cousins and they will tell you how funny Grandpa Jones was. I don't know if I even have a fraction of his sense of humor, but every time I laugh or joke I think I am honoring him. So yes, you may see me as happy and funny, and I am, but now you know my story.
You're story mirrors my own, minus the having kids part. I, too, found myself taking unnecessary risks while driving because, after all, what did it matter? Turns out it mattered a lot. But when I'm in that place, I can't see the people who love me, the people who care. I've been on one antidepressant or another since 1995. When I went off them briefly, I didn't leave the house. I, too, would rather be home, hiding.
ReplyDeleteBrava, for telling your story. I do wish we were closer, physically, and could spend some time together.