Where DOES he get these ideas?

A few days ago, Thomas and Janine collided. This isn't an unusual occurrence really, but this time they hit HARD. Janine's mouth and Thomas' head hit together and Janine's teeth took the brunt of the hit. Her mouth was sore, so out came an ice pack (our freezer is filled with ice packs because someone who will remain nameless is always getting hurt). I think Janine's top front teeth were a little loose afterward. Thomas was SO upset. He was crying more than Janine. Nothing we said was consoling him.

It took us awhile to find out why HE was so upset when it was Janine's mouth that was affected. Then Thomas started whining about how he didn't WANT Janine to get a gold tooth. He was convinced that her loose teeth were going to fall out, and be replaced with gold ones. Huh?

Irreconcilable differences

I have irreconcilable differences with my life. Right now, I have a lot of questions. I don't think anyone could answer them, and I don't know whether there would be any point to answering them. My biggest question is a doozy though, and it is "WHY???" Why do we do this? And by this, I mean anything. Why do we get up and go to work to make money to put food on the table? Why do we go shopping for food and clothing? Why do we care who wins what game, how much money we have, what kind of car, how big the tv is, or anything? Why do we even live? What are we trying to prove? Why are we trying to prove it? Why am I here? Why do I feel so empty?

That last why is perhaps the hardest. I love my husband and my kids, and even our dumb dog and nasty cat. I have nice friends, a nice house in a nice town. So why do I feel empty? What is missing? Did I goof up somewhere along the line? Is this, as Trent Reznor coined, a Terrible Lie? Is my entire life one big screw up that I missed the point somewhere along the line? Is this not where I am supposed to be? I don't get it.

So why, oh why does it matter if I lose the extra pounds I've been carrying around since I had my kids? I'm going to die anyway at some point, so does it matter if I don't gain back a couple of years? Do I really want to live into my 90s? I don't think so.

Some people would say that religion is missing from my life. Eh. I've been there and done that, in various forms. Have I just not found the right religion for me? The right community is more like it, since organized religions are, well, organizations.

I'm not suicidal (why would I want to do THAT?). I don't want pity. No "I'm sorry you feel this way" or "what can I do to help?". I won't have my own answers tomorrow, nor do I believe I ever will. Maybe it does all come down to 42, and don't forget your towel.

Hard to pinpoint it, but it's not you

I recently read a post on Facebook (yes, I know I am addicted) that a friend shared. It was by The Bloggess, and she was discussing how she has recently emerged from a bout of depression. She (and I do not know her) self-harms at times, because the physical pain distracts from the mental/emotional pain. A friend of mine once did something similar during college, and we had to go visit her in the ICU after she took a whole bunch of pills. These things happen, and they are real.

I have never self-harmed, but that doesn't mean I am any better, nor would I presume to think so, than this woman. Recently, at my annual physical, I found myself holding back tears while speaking to the doctor. I had nothing to say other than I am tired.

I am tired of being in physical pain so much. I have a headache almost every day. My spine curves in two places, so my back, neck, and shoulders frequently hurt too. If I sleep too much, my back hurts even more. I'm tired of being short of breath, itchy, and cold all the time from the blood disorder or whatever else is going on with me these days.

I am tired of doing the same thing, day in and day out. I am tired of being a mom to a child (usually just the one) that call me stupid. I am tired of speaking to my kids, but them not listening. I feel like a failure as a mother when I see my kids hitting each other and calling each other cringe-worthy names. If they treat each other this way, how do they treat other people? Where did I go wrong? Why can't I teach them to treat people better?

I am tired of living in a country that doesn't treat its own citizens with respect and dignity. Big brother will watch you, all in the name of preventing terrorism. More and more cameras. Yes, they cut down crime, but your whereabouts can always be tracked. What is up with that? I don't do anything that I need to hide, but come on.

In this country, you may be a woman, but you obviously can't make decisions about your own body, at least if certain lawmakers have their way. God forbid we make the resources available so women can make educated decisions about their bodies. I'm not saying that I am pro-abortion, but let a woman know all her options.

So essentially, I am tired of being tired. I will not self-harm (unless you count over-eating as that!), I am not suicidal, but I am also not really happy. I make jokes and try to see the bright side of things, but inside I am not happy. It's not you though, it's me. Can I change that? Hmmm, perhaps, but some days I just don't want to. I want to wallow a bit, then pick myself up the next day and soldier on.

Protestors and Such

After a somewhat heated Twitter exchange that I didn't intend to make heated with a friend over the evacuation of Zuccotti Park, I realized there is just a lot that I don't know. It's also very hard to debate on Twitter, since you don't get a lot of characters to use, so what you learn back from someone else is a sad little snippet of their thoughts as well.

Anyway, if a "park", in this instance a stone/marble/concrete seating area, is privately owned but intended for public use, what rights do the people who use it have? Do they have the right to erect tents? I honestly don't know. I know if someone pitched a tent on my property they better damn well have cleared it with me ahead of time, or I too would kick them out in the middle of the night when they were tired and less likely to offer resistance, especially if they overstayed their welcome and I was about to be sued by business owners over lost revenue. And no, I wouldn't want to let them alert the media and make a circus out of it either.

I wouldn't, however, use pepper spray, but who am I to criticize since I wasn't there, and I don't know what really happened. And I wouldn't be evicting hundreds of people from my land. Was Zuccotti Park peacefully evacuated? Obviously not since pepper spray was involved. It wasn't violent on the scale that some of the Occupy protests have been though. It seems like it was done fairly quickly, but I haven't really paid enough attention to the after-stories to know for sure. There ARE some things I do know:

1) This "park" used to be called Liberty Plaza pre-9/11. People ate lunch there, played chess there, and generally loitered there. There is no grass. There are no bathroom facilities.
2) Brookfield Properties owns Zuccotti Park, not New York City
3) Zuccotti Park is not on Wall Street
4) Many of the "Wall Street" firms that people are protesting are not located downtown
5) NYC has a larger population than some states. The mayor of NYC therefore is a powerful person.
6) The last I knew, the mayor's salary was $1. He is a billionaire and doesn't need the city's money, so he only takes the token $1.
7) A church wouldn't let the protestors sleep on its property either, but people don't seem as upset over it

So teach me some of things I don't know. Seriously. I would like to hear.

Triple booked and nowhere to go.

I have developed this new habit of booking everything on the same day. Sometimes even at overlapping times. Yes, I am triple-booking myself, but also spreading some of them out. Take Friday for instance - I have a class coffee in the morning, a pizza night (well, 4-6 pm) at my house for the neighborhood, and then I'm going out later for drinks. At least those I spread out over time. Next Wednesday I have 3 things scheduled at the same time. I don't think the Kindergarten moms will check to see if I am over my sinus infection, nor will my hairdresser & friend, so I think I had better reschedule the overlapping doctor appointment. If I remember.

Heck, I can't even REMEMBER where I'm going. Twice today I drove right past my turns. I was apparently going home both times, except I wasn't supposed to be going home. I just forgot and was on autopilot. I think my autopilot needs to be re-set, just like that dr. appointment...

It's been awhile...

I notice that the less I write, the more my friends seem too. Perhaps it is all to maintain the balance in the blog world. Much has happened since my last post, I just haven't felt like writing. Swim team practices, swimming lessons, and swim meets in July. Girls tested for Green Belts in Tae Kwon Do in July. I've been to multiple doctors for multiple tests and issues, not all for me. Sami has been sick almost all summer with some random virus, after all.

What else? Favorite radio station taken off the air? Check. Hall bathroom finally finished? Check. Vacation? Check. Earthquake? Check. Hurricane? Check. Storm of locusts? No check. Not yet at least. Same goes for the master bath. Demolition hasn't even started for that one. The hurricane didn't help the timing either, I'm sure.

Sienna is still licking & chewing herself raw. Cat is still peeing in places he's not supposed to. The girls start school next Tuesday, Thomas the following Monday (I. CAN'T. WAIT.).

Mark's birthday is today. We even bought him a present Thursday, so I will even be able to give it to him on time. That NEVER happens. It always sneaks up on me, disguising itself as another August day, part of summer. Then WHAM, it's September and I've missed it. I wonder what calamity I have caused in the universe by being on time with his present and cards. Hmmm...

Weather from Hell?

I swear it's only July, but oof is it hot. Not that you don't know this already. Everyone's a/c is taxed to the maximum. Cafe Villa tonight didn't feel all that cool in the front because of the doors being opened and the huge ovens. Our dog is even feeling it. Between her meds (steroids/antihistamines) for her itchy skin and the weather, the dog just. can't. stop. panting. We keep kicking her out of our bedroom, because we can't even sleep through it. I took her for a walk last night, but not tonight (so perhaps she will pant less?). It was still over 90 degrees at 10:00 after all. MAYBE I will get up early and take her out in the morning. Yeah, that'll happen. Poor thing. And my kids are furious that we didn't go to the pool today and they want to stay all day tomorrow. Excuse me, but I will melt. Or worse. Sigh...