I have irreconcilable differences with my life. Right now, I have a lot of questions. I don't think anyone could answer them, and I don't know whether there would be any point to answering them. My biggest question is a doozy though, and it is "WHY???" Why do we do this? And by this, I mean anything. Why do we get up and go to work to make money to put food on the table? Why do we go shopping for food and clothing? Why do we care who wins what game, how much money we have, what kind of car, how big the tv is, or anything? Why do we even live? What are we trying to prove? Why are we trying to prove it? Why am I here? Why do I feel so empty?
That last why is perhaps the hardest. I love my husband and my kids, and even our dumb dog and nasty cat. I have nice friends, a nice house in a nice town. So why do I feel empty? What is missing? Did I goof up somewhere along the line? Is this, as Trent Reznor coined, a Terrible Lie? Is my entire life one big screw up that I missed the point somewhere along the line? Is this not where I am supposed to be? I don't get it.
So why, oh why does it matter if I lose the extra pounds I've been carrying around since I had my kids? I'm going to die anyway at some point, so does it matter if I don't gain back a couple of years? Do I really want to live into my 90s? I don't think so.
Some people would say that religion is missing from my life. Eh. I've been there and done that, in various forms. Have I just not found the right religion for me? The right community is more like it, since organized religions are, well, organizations.
I'm not suicidal (why would I want to do THAT?). I don't want pity. No "I'm sorry you feel this way" or "what can I do to help?". I won't have my own answers tomorrow, nor do I believe I ever will. Maybe it does all come down to 42, and don't forget your towel.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Hard to pinpoint it, but it's not you
I recently read a post on Facebook (yes, I know I am addicted) that a friend shared. It was by The Bloggess, and she was discussing how she has recently emerged from a bout of depression. She (and I do not know her) self-harms at times, because the physical pain distracts from the mental/emotional pain. A friend of mine once did something similar during college, and we had to go visit her in the ICU after she took a whole bunch of pills. These things happen, and they are real.
I have never self-harmed, but that doesn't mean I am any better, nor would I presume to think so, than this woman. Recently, at my annual physical, I found myself holding back tears while speaking to the doctor. I had nothing to say other than I am tired.
I am tired of being in physical pain so much. I have a headache almost every day. My spine curves in two places, so my back, neck, and shoulders frequently hurt too. If I sleep too much, my back hurts even more. I'm tired of being short of breath, itchy, and cold all the time from the blood disorder or whatever else is going on with me these days.
I am tired of doing the same thing, day in and day out. I am tired of being a mom to a child (usually just the one) that call me stupid. I am tired of speaking to my kids, but them not listening. I feel like a failure as a mother when I see my kids hitting each other and calling each other cringe-worthy names. If they treat each other this way, how do they treat other people? Where did I go wrong? Why can't I teach them to treat people better?
I am tired of living in a country that doesn't treat its own citizens with respect and dignity. Big brother will watch you, all in the name of preventing terrorism. More and more cameras. Yes, they cut down crime, but your whereabouts can always be tracked. What is up with that? I don't do anything that I need to hide, but come on.
In this country, you may be a woman, but you obviously can't make decisions about your own body, at least if certain lawmakers have their way. God forbid we make the resources available so women can make educated decisions about their bodies. I'm not saying that I am pro-abortion, but let a woman know all her options.
So essentially, I am tired of being tired. I will not self-harm (unless you count over-eating as that!), I am not suicidal, but I am also not really happy. I make jokes and try to see the bright side of things, but inside I am not happy. It's not you though, it's me. Can I change that? Hmmm, perhaps, but some days I just don't want to. I want to wallow a bit, then pick myself up the next day and soldier on.
I have never self-harmed, but that doesn't mean I am any better, nor would I presume to think so, than this woman. Recently, at my annual physical, I found myself holding back tears while speaking to the doctor. I had nothing to say other than I am tired.
I am tired of being in physical pain so much. I have a headache almost every day. My spine curves in two places, so my back, neck, and shoulders frequently hurt too. If I sleep too much, my back hurts even more. I'm tired of being short of breath, itchy, and cold all the time from the blood disorder or whatever else is going on with me these days.
I am tired of doing the same thing, day in and day out. I am tired of being a mom to a child (usually just the one) that call me stupid. I am tired of speaking to my kids, but them not listening. I feel like a failure as a mother when I see my kids hitting each other and calling each other cringe-worthy names. If they treat each other this way, how do they treat other people? Where did I go wrong? Why can't I teach them to treat people better?
I am tired of living in a country that doesn't treat its own citizens with respect and dignity. Big brother will watch you, all in the name of preventing terrorism. More and more cameras. Yes, they cut down crime, but your whereabouts can always be tracked. What is up with that? I don't do anything that I need to hide, but come on.
In this country, you may be a woman, but you obviously can't make decisions about your own body, at least if certain lawmakers have their way. God forbid we make the resources available so women can make educated decisions about their bodies. I'm not saying that I am pro-abortion, but let a woman know all her options.
So essentially, I am tired of being tired. I will not self-harm (unless you count over-eating as that!), I am not suicidal, but I am also not really happy. I make jokes and try to see the bright side of things, but inside I am not happy. It's not you though, it's me. Can I change that? Hmmm, perhaps, but some days I just don't want to. I want to wallow a bit, then pick myself up the next day and soldier on.
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