Owning It

(If you choose to read this, make sure that you don't read with any angst or anger. None of that is truly present as I write, but I can see that it could be construed that way. )

Someone recently commented on how open of a person I am. I will tell almost anyone anything about myself or my family. She then remarked that I must have a high level of trust of others. Trust that they wouldn't take that information and spread it, use it against me, or mock me. At first I agreed, after ruminating on this thought of high trust for hours, it came to me that trust isn't really the issue.

It's not that I trust people more than others do. The real issue is that I am not afraid. I accept responsibility for myself, my actions, and my family. I own it. 

If I tell you something and you then turn around and tell people that I don't particularly know or like, who is that a reflection of? It's really not a reflection of me, it's a reflection of you. I cannot control you, nor would I want to. Quite simply, I am not responsible for anyone other than myself and my family (although I cannot control their individual actions either).

I'm also not afraid of anything being shared about me because I accept and own who I am, faults and all. I admit that I suffer from chronic depression. No one can use that to belittle me, because it's a fact and not something that I am embarrassed about. I accept it and own it. It's no more embarrassing to me than me telling you that I have scoliosis. It just is part of ME. Both of those, the depression and the scoliosis, affect me on a daily basis. Denying them is denying a part of myself.

So when I am wrong, I admit it. Sometimes it's humiliating to admit it, but I still try to. That's an example that I want to set for my children. Admit to your mistakes. Learn from them. Admit when you are wrong and grow as a person.

I accept that I share stories with people. My intent is never to humiliate anyone, it's to show others that no one is alone in his/her struggles and that I understand what that person is going through or at least empathize. I never try to be hurtful, but I do admit that tact is not my strong point. I tell things like I see them.

Let's say that I didn't share these (big) things about myself. Isn't that keeping a part of myself back? It would be a part that you couldn't know then. And, if you don't know that part, maybe there will be other parts of me that you don't know. And if you don't know multiple parts of me, do you really know me? What motivates me? What makes me laugh? Why I laugh? No.

My belief is that we can lift each other up when we share. However, if we keep things to ourselves, no one will know what we need and no one can help. So when I share things, it's because I want to lift others up. Help them. Love them. Grow with them. It's not about trust at all.